The truth about Super Mario

Mario: the ultimate bad guy

- Fuck you all!
If you were a kid during the glorious 90s, you must've played Super Mario World - unless of course you lived in a shoebox. Super Mario World was one the most fun games ever created, except for the all-time favorite "let's kick that obnoxious little kid in the head" game. I was very good at that one, I must say. They never got me. Well, there was this one time...

Anyways, Super Mario World.

All those years we were led to think Super Mario was a hero, the Princess was in distress and Bowser was a son of a bitch. We were wrong.


- Fuck, Izzy. Are you sure?! Cause if you're not...
I'm positive, Butt-Ugly Baby. Mario was in fact the dirtiest motherfucker in the whole Dinosaur World, or whatever the fuck that shithole was called. The Princess was, in fact, a whore. That's right. I'm sorry to break the news like this but, well, I'm really not. She was a whore, period. And Luigi... Luigi was the stupid guy who had no clue what the fuck was going on around that place. You could see that very clearly in his face.


Someone who doesn't have a fucking clue
I'm very convinced the only reason anyone has ever played with Luigi is cause they felt bad for the little dude and decided to give him a chance. The hope he could finally be usefull in the game went down the drain when Luigi got killed over and over again by falling in a bottonless pit somewhere in the Second Map. Fuck, why didn't that stupid bastard just jump?

As I was saying, Mario wasn't a hero at all: he, in fact, was a goddamn troublemaker. Try to see this thru a different perspective:


You have a castle and you're there, minding your own business. All of a sudden this fat dude with a mustache that covers his entire jaw shows up, and he wants to take over.


So, You decide to do what every modern chief-of-state does to stop enemy invasion: Send out flying turtles to kick the invader's butt and preserve your realm, of course. Even if that means killing the guy, fuck it. It's self-defense. Hell, he started it.

But flying turtles, as IMPRESSIVE as they might sound (fuck, dude. Look -> How fucked up is that!?), were no match for the plumber who could jump. Mario kicked everyone's butts and eventually blew up the poor dude's castle, for no reason whatsoever. I can imagine the Turtle King enjoying a nice hot bath in his turtle bathroom. Next thing he knows, this little dude is trashing his place, something he built from scratch with hard labor, slave work and IRS fraud.

Asides from his infamous terrorist acts, Mario was well known for his taste for mushrooms. Everytime he had one, he got taller (which is pretty much an analogy for "high", since he got higher than he was before he ate the damned thing). Not only a terrorist, but also a junkie. What an example. And to think I grew up playing that shit...

(Hm, that'd explain lots of things...)

So basically the game consisted in Mario walking around ruining everyone's shit, roaming around the maps mounted on Yoshi and getting high in the process. Luigi didn't have a clue about his brother's dark schemes. To be honest, the poor bastard didn't have a clue about pretty much anything. He probably had ADD or something, and since there was no Ritalin in the Dinosaur World, there was not much he could do besides follow his brother aimlessly. Talk about a tough place.

Eventually Mario would get to Bowser's castle, which was the last one cause he ruled so much. Bowser's efforts to protect the little whore, i mean, Princess Peach from the plumber were futile: Mario was the toughest dude around. He'd kill Bowser and force the whore, sorry, the Princess to marry him in a bizarre ritual that envolved more mushrooms and some crappy 16 channel mono MIDI music. And then, only then, Mario would be nice for a change (just cause we're all seeing) and we'd all think he would be a nice husband to the Princess, I mean whore. As soon as those two got home, domestic violence started.

What a sad, sad story.