Rap Crap

According to some chick I saw on TV last night, Tupac Shakur's new CD just hit the shelves, to be bought by the seemingly avid rap consumers that just can't get enough of that "thang".

Let's take a moment to understand the implications of that sentence.

Tupac Shakur, shot dead in 1998, just released a new album. Not only that, but this is his SEVENTH, and I'll repeat that, SEVENTH venture in the phonographic business after his own death!

Now, I may be impartial to write something about rap, being that I lack the level of brain damage required to at least not hate it so much. Rap, hip hop and their by-products can be hardly even considered coherent productions that one would atribute to beings gifted with intelect, let alone be considered music.

Given the fact that I attend to Dass, the blackest school outside Nigeria, it's safe to say I've heard my share of hip hop "music" (and I use the term loosely here) for this lifetime and a couple next. And my feelings about the "style" are quite straightfoward. Imagine a dead hobo being ground into a fine powder and that powder being added to some week-old feces and the feces being ground into a powder and added to the remnants of the Pope's bathwater. After sitting in the sun for approximately three weeks, stewing in its own juices, the sensation experienced when eating this ball of disease would come somewhere close to approximating the pain caused by the rappers kids that undoubtly bring CD's from their personal collection to play throughout the classes.


Tupac, the most talented dead man in History
Many of them, if inquired about rap music, would allegate that it envolves a fair amount of talent. I gotta tell you, when a dead man can record and launch SEVEN CDs from the grave, each of which winning category awards, one should question the amount of "talent" envolved. There's not more talent envolved in rap than there is publicity and crappy sounds that can barely pass for audible material.

So, although rap is a sack of rotting cat vomit and wouldn't touch it with my dead grandmother's rotting arm, I still feel entitled to an opinion about Mr. Shakur's lastest album. So I ran an extensive research, and by "ran an extensive research" I really mean "replaced 'lesbian hardcore sex action with midgets' on the query bar on Google with 'shakur crappy new cd'".

As I found out - and as many of you might know -, some rap fans dwell on the illusion their lord and master, Tupac, is somehow magically impervious to 9mm bullets and didn't die that night in Vegas. These smart fellows firmly and trully believe that Tupac is alive and well somewhere, being all gangsta and doing things un-dead gangstas do such as record super smashing CDs.

The fact that these people believe their idol is still alive escapes my logic, possibly due to the fact it makes no sense, or that I really don't care. Nonetheless, I have a lotta free time in my hands and decided to conduct a study on this creed.

I copied excerpts of a certain "Tupac Fans #1 Resource for all things Tupac" website. My next article will explain the reasons why some people think this guy is still alive.

On a unrelated note, the Big Foot was seen around the Oshawa Centre. His PR guys said he didn't wanna give any interviews.